Being stuck in a rut is an interesting feeling.
I know what I need to do but I don’t do it.
I know not doing what I need to do is what causes me stress but I don’t do it.
I know I’ll feel better when I do what I need to do but still I delay…. why?
I care too much what people think.
Even the most innocuous little statements can send me down a set of cascading thoughts that just waste my time and energy.
In my mind, I don’t care… but I do…. why?
Everyday I’m seeking salvation from something…
Boredom, hunger, thirst, loneliness, stress, fatigue, distraction.
The mind is so needy.
Sometimes I think I need to be creative to truly reach my potential.
I forget who I am if I’m not creating.
I forget my purpose when I self-isolate.
I dig a hole and bury myself and wonder why I’m not feeling good.
But then I waste time… I don’t do anything at all… while simultaneously convincing myself that it’s better that I’m not “wasting time” on something creative.
Such a weird delusion.
What is it about “wasting time”? I don’t think that’s what I actually fear.
My greatest worry seems to be “wasting effort”.
So instead, I do nothing and with no effort there’s no waste.
As the time of my life ticks down… I waste the present for some future idealized moment where I’ll be super productive and will do all the things I wish to do.
What a funny fantasy that my mind believes.